


Regrets Collect Like Old Friends

by Off_to_Neverland



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: #Canonical Character Death - Merlin, #King Arthur, #Merthur - Freeform, #angst, #death, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-22
Updated: 2015-10-22
Packaged: 2018-04-27 15:09:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5053525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Off_to_Neverland/pseuds/Off_to_Neverland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur never knew how much Merlin had sacrificed for him. Yet, as Merlin lays dying in his arms, all is revealed to the soon to be King of Camelot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regrets Collect Like Old Friends

**Author's Note:**

> I am horrible at writing summaries. This was an idea that came to me awhile ago. I recently picked it back up, tweaked it and here I am posting it. Please remember that I do not currently have a beta, so I apologize for any errors found within. Kudos and comments make my world go round! I hope you like this little drabble.

Merlin was my constant. He was my servant, my best friend. He was the boy who I could push around and order around and yet he’d be there the next day. No matter what I said or did to the boy he was there beside me in my darkest hour. He was clumsy and useless at times, or so I liked to tell him…but he was ALWAYS there. I never really thought there would come a time where I wouldn’t hear his annoying and high pitched voice waking me up. I never imagined I wouldn’t look beside me and see those blue eyes watching me with curiosity. No, never once had I dreamed that Merlin wouldn’t be with me. Yet, now I have to face that fact every single day. Not only do I have to face the fact that Merlin is gone and never coming back, but I have to face the fact that it is my fault. He was always there by my side and yet never once did I realize just how much I took for granted.

I never thought I’d even care for Merlin as I do. He was just a servant. He had a habit or saying things I didn’t wish to hear. He called me a prat and various other things. In my mind, he was replaceable. Yet, if that were the case, why didn’t I replace him? Why did I allow him to talk to me as he saw fit. Why did I allow the insolence and the disobedience that my father would have labeled Merlin’s actions? Because I cared for Merlin. I never would have admitted it, but I cared for the boy and I wanted him to stick around. Despite my words or constant orders and chores, I enjoyed having Merlin around. 

Merlin’s smile still remains etched into my memory. His laugh can still be heard inside my head. Yet, he isn’t here to smile at me anymore. He isn’t here to laugh at my jokes. Merlin is gone and he is never coming back. I took him for granted and now I have to learn to live without him. He never got to see the King I am now. He never got to see me rise to the throne. He never got to see me marry Gwen, something he always seemed to know would happen. Merlin has missed out on a lot of things, yet somehow I know he’s seen it happen. Despite lacking his physical presence, I know he has been here to see my coronation and wedding. I know that he has watched proudly, as he often seemed to do, as I made my first decisions as king. I know he would be proud and I can only hope that I will see him again one day, maybe not in this life but in another because god knows I miss that goofy grin of his and his incessant babbling. Hell, I even miss his tendency to do the complete opposite. I miss the comfort he gave me when I needed it most and the words of wisdom that I know I shall never hear from his mouth again. 

I know that others agree. I see the way Gwaine looks when he’s had a bit too much to drink, how he often seems to search for Merlin, his first friend and only friend before he joined the ranks of Camelot’s knights. I see the way Lancelot glances around on quests, looking over my shoulder as if he expects to see Merlin there as he always was before. I even see the way Gaius still sets the table in his quarters for two, as if Merlin is just doing my bidding and will return at any moment. However, we all know the truth. We know that our friend is not coming back. He has been absent from our lives for years now and yet it never seems to get easier. Merlin’s absence is ALWAYS felt.

How did it happen? I am the only one who knows that answer. I am the only one who was with him at the time and he is the one who paid for my mistake. I had taken on a quest, one that no one had succeeded at in over a hundred years. I was convinced that I would be the first to succeed and I would not listen to anyone who told me otherwise, not even Merlin. He tried to stop me. He tried to tell me that I was mad, but I just told him to shut up. I was his prince and he had to listen to me. He could not stop me and I didn’t expect him to follow me. I was supposed to do it alone. Yet, when did Merlin ever listen to me?

The first time I ever went on a quest, when I went in search of the Fisher King’s golden trident, Merlin followed me and so I should have expected him to show up once more. However, when I saw those familiar blue eyes and caught sight of Merlin’s familiar unfashionable ensemble, I wished more than anything that he would not have followed me. If he hadn’t followed me, he’d likely still be alive. I often blame myself for what happened, even if I know that there wasn’t a thing I could have done to prevent it, Merlin followed me of his own free will and nothing would have stopped him.

I watched as Merlin, my manservant and friend, was killed. I was under attack by bandits and he came out of nowhere. He pushed me out of the way and took an arrow directly to the chest for me. I fought the rest of the bandits off but by the time I reached my friend, his breathing was shallow and he was lying in a pool of blood. I pulled him into my lap, but it was too late. He was beginning to lose focus. However, there is one thing about Merlin’s death that I would never forget. There were a few words he spoke, a few things he said that shaped the way I now rule as a king.

_“You…are going to be a great king, Arthur, even if you can be a prat. But…you need to promise me one thing?” Merlin had told me. Those words still haunt my dreams. At the time I had wanted to argue with him, to tell him that he was going to be there and so I didn’t have to promise him anything but even I knew from the rate at which Merlin was bleeding and his shallow breathing that he would not make it back to Camelot alive. I would be returning his body home to Gaius. As such, I listened to what he had to say only nodding to show I understood._

_“Promise me that you will not massacre innocent people for merely possessing magic….magic is not evil, it all lies in the person who possesses the magical abilities. Judge them…case by case…as you would any subject who commits a crime.” Merlin spoke, his voice had sounded weak and when he finished speaking he closed his eyes. For a moment, I thought he had already left me, but I could still feel the air filling his lungs and leaving them. He was still alive._

_“Merlin…that is a lot to ask. Magic has done nothing but evil in Camelot. My father would wish me to continue his policies.” I had argued, unsure what to think of his promise or even why Merlin was asking for such a thing._

_“No…magic has helped you more than you know.” Merlin responded, opening his eyes and staring into mine._

_“What do you mean?” I asked, baffled by my servant’s words. He wasn’t making sense to me. I could only stare back into his blue orbs, watching as they slowly began to dim, losing the light that Merlin always seemed to possess._

_“Arthur…are you really that thick? Magic has saved your life time and time again. It has been used right under your nose…yet you haven’t even known it.” Merlin said, chuckling a bit. However, a moment later that chuckle turned into a wince and I immediately reached down and laid a comforting hand on Merlin’s shoulder. I knew it wouldn’t be long now, but it seemed that for some reason Merlin was clinging to life. He was holding out to finish this strange conversation he had begun._

_“I am not thick! How could that be? Who used magic to save me and how didn’t I notice?” I inquired, a but frustrated by what my servant was telling me. Yet, as I looked into Merlin’s eyes I saw the answer loud and clear. It had been him. The hints were there all along and I had never once noticed. He always managed to escape the worst situations unscathed or with minimal harm done to him. He was always around when I escaped from nearly impossible situations. He always seemed quite smug when things turned out for the best. He should have been credited for many situations I had miraculously come out of and yet never once had I suspected that my idiotic, clumsy, bumbling manservant could possibly have helped me. Never would I have suspected Merlin of having magic and yet here he was as good as confessing._

_“Now you are getting it…” Merlin started, but his sentence trailed off and I watched as Merlin seemed to run out of air. I sat up straighter and could do nothing but watch as the life left my servant’s eyes, cutting our conversation short and never allowing me to receive the verification that my suspicions were correct._

I could have screamed or cried. I could have begged Merlin to stay with me that day, but I didn’t. I knew that nothing I could have done would have saved my servant and best friend. I was no magician. I had no way of keeping someone from an inevitable death. I was powerless and I had no choice but to let Merlin go. I knew that he was in a better place, a place that one day I could only hope to join him. I could only let him go before his wounds left him suffering. Despite missing verification, I knew that my assumptions were correct. Merlin had been more than my servant, he had been my protector. He had was speaking of himself when he said magic had saved my life. It had all made sense to me in that moment and yet Merlin was gone before I could thank him.

As I look back now, I really regret how I treated Merlin. He deserved so much better. Lancelot told me after I returned with Merlin’s body that he was probably braver than he, Gwaine or any of the knights combined and I cannot say I disagree. As I now sit on my throne, I only wish that Merlin were still around. My destiny has been achieved, as destiny that Gaius tells me Merlin worked hard to secure. Well, he did not die in vain. His protection enabled me to fulfill my destiny and untie Camelot. I can only hope that wherever he is, he is happy and knows he is missed by all of us here in Camelot. I also hope that one day we will meet again when destiny pulls us together. It has been said that one day in the distant future when the world is in need of me once again I will return, but I can only hope that Merlin is included in that destiny. I long to have the one I took for granted at my side once more and can I only hope that I will treat him better in the future.


End file.
